DREADED WORD:

BUDGET

or

WHO IS PAYING FOR WHAT

The old fashioned wedding where the mother and father of the bride pay for everything and the mother gets to choose most of the things is certainly not dead but we do live in a different world now.  Sometimes the bride (or groom) has a higher income than the mother or the father combined or perhaps she’s from a divorced family…where the mother has remarried and so has the father.  So, who to listen to and how to make everyone happy is a very stressful situation for your child!   Whether it ends up that we (mother & father) pay, they (the couple) pay,  they #2 (the in-laws-to-be),  the mother only, the father only or any other the multitude of combinations one could think up pays for this wonderful event, here’s your chance to be the best mom in the world .   If she/he hasn’t already asked you, suggest that you and she (and groom if she insists) meet or schedule a conference call to talk about who pays for what before too many lists are made.

If she lives in a different city/town or if you know you physically can’t meet a lot, it just might be the best thing in the world for both of you to invest in Skype.    Skype voice and video calling, IM and SMS are now available for your pc, laptop, blackberry, and more importantly – the video calls are free!  Of course you need to buy the equipment:

Webcam and a headset (if they are not already part of your laptop or PC’s hardware):

So, how are these ‘delicate’ conversations discussed and decided upon?  In all likelihood, your daughter will have already thought about this before you two speak.   If not, then prepare yourself.  Buy a book (of course, I’m a little bit prejudiced here).

Before you meet with her, have a discussion with your husband (and/or ex) about where the money is going to come from?

Savings account for her wedding?

Refinance the house?

Sell a piece of property?

Ask the Uncle?

Make a list of what you really, really want to pay for and listen to her about what she wants you to pay for.  If your budgets say ‘not possible’, then be upfront right then and there.  On the other hand, if you want to pay for more, then suggest that to her.  She will let you know if that suggestion is welcomed or ‘just not gonna happen’.

First thing everyone (brides and grooms, mothers and dads) needs to decide is the approximate date.  A wise mom will suggest they chose 3-4 dates (in case something cannot be canceled or a favored venue is booked).

The time of the year can sometimes influence the cost of parts of the wedding.

Then, will it be formal or informal, maximum number of guests and attendants, if any.  Is this a wedding at the magistrate’s office?  Family only?

Or the closest 300 friends of the couple and parents.

Brides friends, groom’s friends, their friends.

Bride’s parent’s friends (could be 2 couples involved here).

His parent’s friends (could be 2 couples involved here, too).

You and your daughter (step-daughter) have many decisions to make – so try to be as gracious as possible and really listen to what the bride and groom want (and his parents).  If something is really, really important for her to include in the plans…just mention that ‘it would make you so happy if they could ….’  But please, please try to prepare your mind before each and every meeting about the wedding to

Listen

Use diplomacy (“oh honey, that sounds so fab… but XYZ… – what would you two think of that”!).

Be prepared to guide if asked and be quiet if not asked. (Can’t tell you how many times I opened my mouth and clamped it shut – and it all worked out just fine!)  If an argument starts, back down…there will be another meeting and by then things might have changed.  The most important thing you can do is smile and genuine smiles break most barriers! After all of you determine what kind of budget you can work with, then you can settle down to have the fun of planning the most important day of your little girl’s life.

Congratulations!
~Claudia Van Veen